Do I meditate?
Pshaw! Of course I do.
I have four different meditation apps on my phone…
Don’t you?

Here’s how it went today:

At Minute 1:
Ommmmm, I’m meditating,
This is the calm that I seek.

Minute 2:
Hmmm.
Who ended up getting kicked off The Bachelor last week?

Minute 3:
Shoot, that’s gonna drive me mad.
Remember that time I had a friend of a friend of a friend who was the actual Bachelor?
That was rad.

Minute 4:
But who was the friend who was the friend of the friend?
I’ll never recall.

Minute 5:
Oooh wait wait wait wait, it’s on the tip of my tongue…
It was that girl Lindsay… McCall!

Minute 6:
Lindsay. Or was it Lindsey? Or… Lyndsey?
Hmmmm. Not sure.

Minutes 7-10:

Now that I’m thinking about Lindsays, there was that girl Amanda Lindsay I went to elementary school with and her birthday was the day before mine so sometimes when one of our birthdays fell on a weekend we’d get our birthdays lumped together. I wonder what she did for her 40th birthday; I had a lot of fun at my 40th with my whole karaoke theme and man I need a new “go to” karaoke song like maybe something unexpected like Van Morrison or Primus or Nirvana, didn’t that Nirvana baby guy just lose a lawsuit about that pool picture? That seems like it would’ve been a cool college application essay, to write about being the naked baby on the Nirvana album cover, I wonder if that’s what he wrote about, that would’ve really stood out but maybe in a bad way, but if the college admissions person was like a huge Nirvana fan then maybe it would’ve worked out for him just like that one time I was helping that old boss hire his next assistant and someone came in and had been the assistant to David Copperfield and I was like “HIRE HER I LOVE DAVID COPPERFIELD!” I wonder if he still owns that private island, I can’t believe magic can make you rich enough to own a private island, I should show my kids some of his old TV specials but really tho… how did he walk through the Great Wall of China?!!!

DING.

And there you have it. I told you I meditate.