COVID19

I'm a Teacher Now!

I’ve got some pretty cool news:
I’m a teacher now!
I know what you’re wondering, 
and NO, I don’t know how.

Is my first grader thrilled?
Nope, not a bit. 
She’s very strong-willed
and thinks my teaching skills are shit.

We’ve been practicing our lower-case. 
She says I do a’s wrong.
(I told you this one
was really headstrong.)

We tried to do some math.
It’s not how I remember.
She rolls her eyes and laughs at me.
I think I should suspend her!

She doodles when I’m talking.
She laughs when I instruct.
But she’s already learned a few new words.
Namely: shit, goddamn, and fuck.

A second language, just like that!
And it was only our second day. 
Now school is done and I’m back to mom.
A mom who needs to go practice her a’s.

Wine in My Bathroom

Merlot at a winery in the south of France
A cup of spiked punch at a high school dance

On the back of a boat sipping a margarita
In the Taco Bell parking lot with beer to wash down my Gordita

A vodka Red Bull at a club in 2005
A shot of Jameson at the local dive

Of all the fun places I’ve had a drink
I would simply never think

THAT THE ONLY THING I WANT IN THE WORLD TODAY:

Is wine in my bathroom

And for my kids to go away

My Sourdough Journey

I’m going to start my sourdough journey!
My sourdough journey starts here!

Got a gross-looking starter
That smells like a fart… er... 
Like a fart that’s been mixed with a beer.

That’s fine! I like farts. And beer’s not so bad. 
I’m just so darn psyched to get going.

Baking hot loaves of bread,
Like life on the homestead.
Hell maybe I’ll even start sewing!

I’ll plant a big garden! Some tomatoes and squash.
Get a hen that lays shitloads of eggs.

Fresh food for my kin!
What’s next, bathtub gin?
We’ll be prepared for the end of days!

I’m a pioneer woman! Feeding my brood!
A matriarch: self-reliant and strong!

So I google “sourdough starter” 
And it’s a nonstarter…
Tells me I have to feed this thing all. day. long.

“Feed it flour and water every twelve hours”
Ya lost me at another mouth to feed.

No one told me that part.
So now I’m on Instacart.
Ordering food that I don’t have to feed.

Easter Ham (inspired by Dr. Suess)

Did you make an Easter Ham?

I did not make an Easter Ham.
I kinda just didn’t give a damn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Did you make it here or there?

There? Where’s “there?”
We can’t go anywhere!
I did not make an Easter Ham.
And before you ask: I also didn’t make lamb.

Did you make scalloped potatoes?
Or a big green salad with lettuce and tomatoes?

Did you make the hot cross buns?
Was the green bean casserole all done?

Did you make the deviled eggs?
Or a big ol’ roasted lamb’s leg?

I already told you I didn’t make lamb,
Back when I told you I didn’t make the ham.
I did not make scalloped potatoes.
Bloody Marys were my only tomatoes.
Deviled eggs I did not make.
Hot cross buns I did not bake.
No one likes green beans a bit.
I guess now is when I admit:

I. Ordered. Take-out.

Happy Easter!