Fooood
Merlot at a winery in the south of France
A cup of spiked punch at a high school dance
On the back of a boat sipping a margarita
In the Taco Bell parking lot with beer to wash down my Gordita
A vodka Red Bull at a club in 2005
A shot of Jameson at the local dive
Of all the fun places I’ve had a drink
I would simply never think
THAT THE ONLY THING I WANT IN THE WORLD TODAY:
Is wine in my bathroom
And for my kids to go away
I’m going to start my sourdough journey!
My sourdough journey starts here!
Got a gross-looking starter
That smells like a fart… er...
Like a fart that’s been mixed with a beer.
That’s fine! I like farts. And beer’s not so bad.
I’m just so darn psyched to get going.
Baking hot loaves of bread,
Like life on the homestead.
Hell maybe I’ll even start sewing!
I’ll plant a big garden! Some tomatoes and squash.
Get a hen that lays shitloads of eggs.
Fresh food for my kin!
What’s next, bathtub gin?
We’ll be prepared for the end of days!
I’m a pioneer woman! Feeding my brood!
A matriarch: self-reliant and strong!
So I google “sourdough starter”
And it’s a nonstarter…
Tells me I have to feed this thing all. day. long.
“Feed it flour and water every twelve hours”
Ya lost me at another mouth to feed.
No one told me that part.
So now I’m on Instacart.
Ordering food that I don’t have to feed.
Did you make an Easter Ham?
I did not make an Easter Ham.
I kinda just didn’t give a damn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Did you make it here or there?
There? Where’s “there?”
We can’t go anywhere!
I did not make an Easter Ham.
And before you ask: I also didn’t make lamb.
Did you make scalloped potatoes?
Or a big green salad with lettuce and tomatoes?
Did you make the hot cross buns?
Was the green bean casserole all done?
Did you make the deviled eggs?
Or a big ol’ roasted lamb’s leg?
I already told you I didn’t make lamb,
Back when I told you I didn’t make the ham.
I did not make scalloped potatoes.
Bloody Marys were my only tomatoes.
Deviled eggs I did not make.
Hot cross buns I did not bake.
No one likes green beans a bit.
I guess now is when I admit:
I. Ordered. Take-out.
Happy Easter!
Hey there, Blue Apron,
We need to talk.
Come into my office.
Have a seat, big shot.
No no no, this time it isn’t
About all the pots.
Although those are an issue.
For sure. There’s just a lot.
Today I’d like to chat with you
About your clock.
Do you own one? Have you seen one?
You’ve heard a “tick tock?”
That’s confusing because you say here
The Glazed Chicken with Apricot
Should take 25 minutes.
But I can assure you, it does not.
I spent half an hour
Just giving the shallots a chop.
Not to mention mincing ginger
And making the chicken stock.
Maybe if I had a team of sous chefs
Or ran a kitchen sweatshop,
I’d get this shit done,
In 25 minutes tops.
So, while it pains me, Blue Apron,
I’ve given it some thought,
And I have to let you go.
This really needs to stop.
Because I simply have no more patience,
For this Glazed Chicken with Apricot.
Oh by all means
Please do go on!
When I asked how things are going,
This is how I hoped you respond!
I wanted to know your recipe for chicken tenders.
No shit? Coconut flour, huh?
Well I’ll. Be. Damned.
I wanted to know that you’re just trying to get through the doldrums of Day 11 & 12.
I’m just trying to get through this conversation!
We have something in common!
What I wanted to talk about? What I wanted to talk about was Weight Watchers.
I only have 13 more points left this week!
Have I told you my recipe for air “fried” cauliflower crunch bites?